Stressed, rushed, annoyed, overworked, over-nighted and under constant pressure – this is how most managers describe their emotional state in recent workshops. Do you also find yourself in this situation all the time, I ask? I hear a chorus of answers – yes, unfortunately, there’s no other way, is there? I had this experience myself years ago, more or less in a continuous loop, when I was still CEO of a consulting company. So I am all too familiar with this situation. And yet, things can indeed be different if you are prepared to actively make a few small changes to your emotional self-management. This will give you the chance to focus on your actual leadership role again.
The self-management method
Surely we can all agree that if the following conditions are right for you personally, you can operate and work optimally:
- You have a clear daily structure.
- You can manage your emotions.
- Your emotions do not overwhelm you and do not take control of you and your behavior.
- You don’t allow yourself to be rushed or driven by people or topics.
- You are clear about what you do and who you are.
- You have the courage to say “no”.
In this setting, you can work optimally in your role as a manager or leader – no matter at what level. You also come much closer to understanding your role by starting to act instead of constantly reacting. If you are constantly trying to put out every fire as a firefighter, you are in defensive mode and radiate neither sovereignty nor calm, let alone security. You simply have to be aware of this external effect at this point. Yes, you have good intentions with these uncoordinated actions, but you are ultimately missing your target. Your team doesn’t need a firefighter or player-coach who is always trying to be on the ball himself and is now becoming a shoo-in. Your team needs exactly the opposite – namely a clear, visionary coach who is approachable at all times and therefore radiates confidence.
Why is this distinction (coach versus player-coach) so important?
Because a player coach
- does not have an overview of the pitch.
- gets bogged down in detail and loses sight of the big picture.
- is emotionally entangled.
- is often physically at the limit.
- only partially fulfills his level/role as a trainer.
- wants to score goals himself etc.
Can you see why you can no longer be a consultant or player coach as a manager?
Let me share the most important point with you from my own experience – namely being emotionally entangled . When you yourself are still on the pitch or working on a project, you are often overwhelmed by negative emotions such as
- Trouble
- Anger
- Despair
- Pressure
- Aggression
- Disappointment etc.
triggered, if only by your double burden and the mixed roles in times of need. If you’re angry, for example, you simply can’t be confident and approachable for your team at all times because you’re “trapped” in this emotion. The hamster wheel starts, you are probably annoyed, the inner pressure increases and you just want to get your issues done quickly and not act together with others.
But be careful, this is exactly the trap: if you as a manager don’t have time to listen, judge wrongly, react harshly, etc., then you are acting in the emotion of anger, which is simply very bad advice. This behavior naturally has a direct impact on your relationships, both at work and in your private life, as people tend to take their anger home with them.
How can you change this situation?
Emotions are always triggered by uncontrollable external stimuli. So you can’t avoid them, it’s completely impossible and it’s not your goal – it’s deeply human and it’s called life. But you are the key to how you deal with it. There are ways to stay confident and authentic. You’ve probably heard of the 90-second technique. Harvard graduate and neuroscientist Dr. Jill B. Taylor has conducted extensive studies on this and found that negative emotions such as anger, resentment or stress dissolve in the body within 90 seconds. This means that our body regulates these feelings all by itself if we let it. Conversely, this means that you have to actively do something to stay stuck in the emotion for longer. You are therefore reinforcing the negative emotions yourself through two widespread “mistakes”:
- Imagine a stress factor comes from outside that makes you angry and annoyed. At first, you try to push this feeling away, play it down or let it bounce off you in a cool way. And this is exactly how you reinforce the emotion. It takes strength and energy to keep it away. You feed them, so to speak, and they continue to boil inside you until they finally overwhelm you. Incidentally, this can take hours, days, weeks.
- The second common mistake is after the emotion has been intensified: now you want to get rid of it! You feel the emotion and the stress and naturally want to end it as quickly as possible. Then, like many people, you get annoyed that you’re annoyed and you’ve wasted energy again unnecessarily and reinforced the negative feelings.
So what can you do specifically to quickly get back into your “zone” (optimally balanced emotional state)?
- Consciously perceive the emotion that triggers you, ideally in this short space between stimulus and reaction.
- Name this emotion clearly, e.g. “I feel angry”.
- Do not evaluate this emotion, simply perceive it as a neutral observer – do not react any further to the stimulus.
- Accept the negative emotion inside you: “Anger, you can be here now – that’s okay.”
- Take 5-10 deep breaths.
What happens now is absolutely wonderful: your anger is allowed to be and when it is allowed to be, it goes. You are back in your “zone”. This can happen very quickly in the first 90 seconds immediately after the stimulus is triggered in your body, so that you don’t have to slip into violent emotions in the first place. In my experience, you can apply this extended self-management method just as well and effectively if you are already in the middle of the emotion and have learned to consciously pause/stop and carry out points a. – e. as described. You interrupt the emotion that is controlling you, so to speak, and consciously take over the regulation.
Can’t believe it? Try it out before you lash out in anger the next time and infect your team with your unproductive emotion.
In recent years, I have noticed that as soon as I no longer unload my negative emotions on my team unfiltered, which could happen unconsciously and uncontrollably very quickly, and my employees also use this method for themselves, our team results have improved enormously. We no longer get caught up in destructive situations that keep the stress spirals going and simply drain our energy and distract us from the essentials.
So as soon as you learn to consciously deal with your negative emotions as a manager, you will increase your and your team’s productivity by a factor of X.