Compromise – the central theme that pervades our daily lives at all levels. From an early age, we learn that we have to constantly make compromises in relationships and at work in order to be happy and satisfied. But is this the right way? I am firmly convinced that compromises don’t really make anyone happy. On the contrary, they often leave everyone involved dissatisfied. Compromises are also omnipresent in a professional context. We often find ourselves in situations where we are asked to do things that go completely against the grain. But can we say no here? And how do we behave in our private lives? Being uncompromising in your own life does not mean categorically ignoring the needs of others and being completely selfish. It is much more about clearly recognizing our own needs and giving them space. Let’s learn to recognize our own needs and question the origin of the compromises in our lives.
For a long time, I didn’t realize that I was stuck in a permanent loop of compromises in my life. If you had asked me years ago whether I was living or working in compromise, my answer would definitely have been no. I had the feeling that I was asserting my will and determining my own life, whether in a private, personal or professional context. I do exactly my own thing – and my outside world would have seen and confirmed this in exactly the same way. So you can be wrong, dear Frank and dear environment, because nothing is what it looks like from the outside.
Compromises that we make consciously or unconsciously increase gradually, just like body weight. Nobody suddenly gains 15 kg in three weeks, do they? We hardly notice every little compromise. They may be tiny favors, one here, one there. For the dear partner, the dear employer, the dear parents, the dear friends and whoever else. But one day we wake up and feel that something is wrong. Whose life is this that I’m leading? Not really mine? These many small compromises in a continuous loop lead us, like the frightening moment on the scales, to the point where we freak out and can’t take it anymore.
We constantly say yes to the needs and wishes of others. “I can manage that. Of course I’ll do it for you. No problem, I’ll fit it into my day somehow and take it off your hands. I’m happy to do that. I can reschedule my appointment, that’s okay.” Please realize that every yes for another person is first and foremost a no to us.
We may avoid conflicts, avoid them and prefer to compromise – and say no to ourselves again. We all want to be loved, recognized and needed. It’s perfectly legitimate and there’s nothing wrong with being there for people and supporting them when necessary.
For us as managers, it’s about finding out what we really want. What is our energy level? How much capacity do we really have? What do we actually need? Where are we at the moment? What is our motivation for running in a continuous loop and constantly helping? Do we want to keep the peace and therefore prefer to make compromises?
With every compromise that we don’t really want to make, we are saying no to ourselves again. This constant “no” to ourselves is like a permanent self-harm – yes, we are hurting ourselves! The longer we hurt ourselves emotionally and do not perceive our needs or push them away, the greater our pain will be and sooner or later we will also feel it physically.
A little twinge there, a surprising slipped disc here, a sudden hearing loss including tinnitus, exhaustion, increasingly frequent headaches – the somatic possibilities are endless. And there are a thousand good reasons and excuses for every symptom, even if it’s just the weather, genetic make-up or increasing age. I’ve heard so many stories of this kind. One thing remains: At the end of the day, we may admit to ourselves what the real issue is. When do we start to look at ourselves honestly, listen to ourselves, feel ourselves? Our soul sends us clear warning signals, only we ignore them completely.
For me, leading an uncompromising life means fully recognizing and living my needs, setting boundaries and saying a clear yes to myself – in a very loving and clear way. It also feels more honest and easier for a life partner if we clearly state what we want and need. We give them the chance to choose whether they want to support us or not. This is mature, reflective behavior and everyone involved can benefit from it. If, on the other hand, we live in a state of permanent compromise, swallowing and not expressing ourselves honestly, everyone in the relationship ultimately loses out.